Home
Improvement
by
Urban Daddy
When
did I become a carpenter, painter, drywall finisher, and
gardener? If you ask my wife, it happened the day I said,
“I do”.
The
other day, my wife said, “let’s do a few things around the
house”. To fully comprehend what she said, I must break
down the elements of this seemingly uncomplicated, unambiguous
request.
First,
this is not really a request but a command. Whenever my
wife makes such a statement, my initial reaction is to run.
But, why am I running, this is my home? I should be able
to perform those tedious tasks to maintain my home. Those
tasks that separate man from beast. Those tasks that make
me say, “I am the king of the castle”. Those thoughts last
for about 1/100 of a second.
Second,
my wife frequently misuses the word “let’s” which as most
English speaking people know is the contraction of “let
us”. What she meant to say was, “I have a few things around
the house for you to do”. She will not be participating
in any of the “few things” she wants done.
Third,
the word, “few”, which is generally considered to be an
expression that denotes a nominal amount, always means more
than 200. Never is few really few. It is usually a combination
of multiples tasks that will require tools do not have and
I will have to go to Home Depot and buy before I can start
on the job.
Lastly,
“around the house” means around, in, up, down, and everyone
in between!
On
this day, my wife wanted me to re-pot some plants, install
curtain rods, and “touch up” paint, naturally this was in
addition to my usual litany of responsibilities which include
washing the dishes, bathing the kids, and being the source
of everyone’s entertainment for the evening.
On
this day, of course, I had just come home from work, it
was still 92 degrees outside and the humidity was a wet
94%. But, out I went to re-pot plants. Well, 1 hour and
a soiled tee shirt later, my wife decides the pots I used
were two small. I, of course, agreed right away and sped
to Home Depot immediately in search of new pots.
Upon
my return, my wife felt, I should put aside the potting
for a while and get to those curtain rods. On this occasion,
my wife unusually had the materials needed for the job.
However, upon closer inspection I realized, the materials
purchased were wrong. So after an exchange of unpleasantries,
much to the amusement of our neighbors, I was off in search
of the Holy screw. And screwed I was as Home Depot was closed.
Needless
to say, after coming back home with no screws, most of the
“things to do…undone”, and the salvos of “sweet nothings”
still ringing in my head, I did what I always do in a time
of crisis, I grabbed a beer. Of course this led to some
more unpleasantries, but this time I lifted my head, looked
into her eyes and said, “can it wait ‘til the weekend”.
And with that request, my evening was saved.
I
am not a handy man, don’t want to be, never was, and never
will be! Amen.
